Harsh Words

I know I haven't exactly been great about doing this whole blog thing....to be fair, I have another blog (on Tumblr) that I update prettymuch every day. Except that one represents a different side of me. The side I show to the whole world. I don't talk about my addiction. I don't talk about my problems. I talk about politics..and law..and fashion...the things I love. There's nothing wrong with that. I love that side of me. I guess the issue is that it's the only side I show. My best friend struggles with a lot of her own issues, so for the most part I just try to be there for her and not burden her with my own problems. My father is up to his eyeballs in a nasty divorce, so I'm not going to burden him. My sister is a bit on the judgemental side. And my (ex?) boyfriend- well, that's complicated, to say the least. I basically rely on myself, all the time. In a way, I'm proud of that. I'm an extremely independent, self-sufficient person.

I digress. What I actually wanted to write about was my sister, and an argument I got in with her this past weekend.
As you know now (unless you live in a deep, dark cave) Amy Whinehouse died. I know most people feel she had it coming with the way she lead her life. And they're probably right. But for some reason, her death really hit me hard. Not because I was a huge fan- I never even owned her CD. I guess part of it was because I was PMSing (yay for estrogen!) and in the middle of a depressing breakup (3 year relationship) and dealing with the feelings of abandonment I've been supressing (my mother walked out of my life relatively recently). So I was in a vulnerable place.

But I think those were only contributing factors. For some reason, that day, I saw myself in Amy Whinehouse. As pictures and videos of her intoxicated beyond belief flashed across the TV screen, I saw the person I might've become, had I let my addiction grow stronger. It made me feel really, truly sorry for her, and all the people like her. People that haven't gotten past that first hurddle of sobriety. Staying clean is hard, but it's a helluva lot easier than being an addict. Being 100% honest, it also made me scared. What if I did relapse. What if I let myself become that person I fought so hard to get rid of? 

As I was watching the news, I mentioned to my sister that I felt sorry for poor, lost Amy Whinehouse. My baby sister, being the person she is (aka the most uptight, judgemental 16 year-old you will EVER meet), promptly responded,

"Well she brought it on herself. I don't feel sorry for anyone that dies because of drugs. They deserve it for using them."

Harsh words. Especially harsh because they were directed at me.

My sister was 13 when I checked into rehab. She was horrified and embarassed and angry. She never came to any of the family counseling sessions to try to understand what I was going through (to be fair, none of my family did). She just resented me for messing up. At the time, I completely understood her resentment. Although I guess I assumed, with time, she would forgive me. With that in mind, I've always made a point to let her know that I'm staying clean, doing well in school, and working. I try to let her know I'm doing okay now.
My sister's never told me she's proud of me for turning my life around. While it stings a little, I guess I expected it. But what I didn't expect was the level of resentment she still holds 3 years later. Every chance she gets to make a dig about "loser addicts", she goes for it. She makes sure I know how disgusted she still is by me.

Most of the time I just brush it off. I tell myself as she gets older and understands the world better, she'll actually be proud of how far I've come. But that day, it really hit me hard.

So I guess I want to say this. I'm sure there are many, many people out there with relatives that are addicts. I know it is a long, difficult road that you sometimes have to veer off of for your own sanity (my mother is an addict, so I understand). I'm not asking anyone to put up with an unapologetic addict indefinitely. But I do ask this- if you see any hope; any willingness at all from that person to turn their life around- help them! Recovering addicts don't need judgement, they need love.